Adoption, we have found, is a series of choices. Domestic or International? Agency or Private? Open or Closed? Newborn or Toddler? And the deeper you get into the process, the more complicated the decisions get. It can be paralyzing if you let it – after all, the decisions you make will lead you to your child. What if I make the “wrong” decisions, will I get the “wrong” child? Okay, that might sound ridiculous but given how astounding the ramifications for all these choices are, it is hard not to be overwhelmed.
One decision every adoptive family confronts in the waiting stage is “to buy baby gear or not to buy baby gear?” Seriously, some sociologist or psychologist could have a field day studying what makes one couple fall into one group or the other. Right now, we fall in the “do not buy” camp. We have been waiting to get matched before buying the baby gear, and even then we’ll try and buy only what we need to get us through the first few weeks just in case something goes wrong. It makes me achingly sad to think of having unused baby items in the house. Seriously, what could be more sad (and more symbolic of our infertility journey) than an empty crib? But as with anything, it’s all in how you look at it. For others, that crib symbolizes the hope and faith that a baby will be sleeping in it one day.
Last night, while making dinner with the Grillmaster, I discovered that we have our own expressions of that hope and faith. We were having a rambling chat about the future – where we might live next, how long we’d be in our current house, new ideas I am having about a change in career – and sprinkled into the conversation were phrases such as “we should fix that before the baby comes” and “a space for the kids to play” and even “we should stay here through the second adoption”. Talking about parenthood as an inevitability was easy when we first started trying to build our family five and a half years ago. Then it began to be uncomfortable. Then painful. Then bordering on absurd, as if the universe was laughing at me “You?!? You as a parent?!?!. Haven’t we already put you in your place on that one?” In the beginning of our adoption journey, I had to struggle to say “when we adopt” not “if we adopt”.
What I realized last night is that I am thinking as a expecting parent - certainly not the same way as it would if I were pregnant because of the “but when?” element – but expecting nonetheless. Somehow all at the same time it seems an indulgent gift I am giving myself and natural expression of my faith that our dreams will be realized.
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