Juno

We went to see the movie Juno this week. I highly recommend it. It is well written, wonderfully acted and treats a very sensitive subject – teenage pregnancy and adoption – beautifully without falling into the Hollywood cliché trap. Ellen Page (who plays the title character) has been getting so much well-deserved attention -- there really is nothing better than seeing a young, fresh breakthrough talent. I loved her performance but I was completely captivated by Jennifer Garner’s portrayal of a woman who’s been dealing with infertility for years and has turned to adoption to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother. I won’t give away any plot points but she brought me to tears on more than one occasion. She did such a tremendous job of showing her fighting with her fear that the adoption may fall through and her growing realization that her dreams were finally coming true.

Ever since we formally began the adoption process, I find myself questioning the internal language I use about pending parenthood. We are told that as long as we are willing to wait and as long as we don’t have too many unrealistic expectations, we will become parents. The rational side of my brain understands this. And yet, I can’t get that nasty “if” out of my brain. “If” we are lucky enough to become parents. “If” a birthmother chooses us. Part of me is desperate to shed the “if” and just feel joyful that motherhood is impending. The other part of me feels that I shouldn’t be so cocky – how long did I assume I would be able to get pregnant and look how fate slapped me in the face for that bit of hubris. And face it, adoption just opens us a hornets nest of other “what ifs”. What if we have to wait five more years? What if no one chooses us? What if a birth mother picks us than changes her mind? What if, what if, what if?

It was strange seeing all that portrayed on screen. The few people who I know personally who went through infertility were lucky enough to have medical intervention work for them. I am so incredibly thrilled for them, but sometimes I feel really lonely carrying around all this pain that no one in my life can really understand. Strange as it may sound, for just a little while, Juno made me feel a little less alone. It was a bit like when you are struggling to express something and you read a passage in a novel or memoir that perfectly, eloquently and seemingly effortlessly captures your point of view better than you think you ever could. And you know you aren't crazy for thinking such a thought and that there's someone else in this world that gets you - or atleast a part of you.