Well, I almost lost it yesterday. Thus far, I’ve been able to keep my cool on the adoption front. You want me to take a class on multi-racial issues? Parenting Issues? No problem. You want medical tests taken, forms signed? No problem. You want copies of our taxes? No problem. You want to talk to my close friends? No problem. Any piece of information the social worker thinks she needs to be able to give her word to a woman that her baby will be absolutely loved and cared for by us is fine by me. But yesterday, things got ugly. What they were asking from me now took me to a place I had no business being in. A place that made me feel deeply uncomfortable and even panicked: the craft store Michaels.
It probably goes without saying that I am not a crafty person. My mother could have earned Academy Awards for how she received my various arts and crafts projects when I was a child. So I’ve been a bit concerned about the book we need to put together which will be presented to birthmothers. Basically, it contains some pictures of ourselves, our family, and some text explaining who we are and what our lives are like. The guidance I received from our social worker was to keep it simple and have it reflect our personalities as much as possible.
Do you have any idea how many scrapbook products Michaels sells? Reams and reams of papers. Vellum. Cardstock. Cutesy stickers. Photo edgers. Photo mats. Ribbons. Buttons. Special scissors to make cute edging of the paper. Things I had never even heard of and had no idea how to use. Foolishly I had gone in two hours past when I should have eaten lunch and my low blood sugar just made my frantic reaction to the place worse. It was honestly the first time I have felt that resentment that many adoptive parents feel about having to go through some step that biological parents don’t to become parents. It is one thing to investigate every aspect of my life, but it is quite another to demand that I do arts and crafts! Indignant and dejected, I decided to go home and regroup. I had clearly underestimated the strength I would need to tackle this project.
While talking to my social worker this morning, I confessed my freak out to her praying that craftiness wasn’t high on the scale of parenting attributes they look for in adoptive parents. And thank god I did because she answered all my fears by telling me that more and more people are making their books through Shutterfly. Instead of panicking over cutting straight lines (which no, I am not capable of doing) and my horrid handwriting, I can use a template and just add my own pictures and some text!! Now this, I think I can handle. I can even do it in my jammies.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Status Report
Nothing to report on the adoption front. I need to start getting my album together this week. Yes, I did say that I was going to do that last week, but I am still pretty ahead of schedule so I’m not going to get worked up about procrastinating.
On writing: Better than the week prior. I’m getting better about sitting in the chair until my 1K words are done (not quite up to 5 times a week however but close). The problem is, I think I’m getting too concerned with word count and not quality. On one hand, I keep telling myself that the first draft can be crappy (otherwise I’d probably be frozen on the first sentence still). On the other hand, if it’s just a bunch of crap, what’s the point?
I tried two new recipes this week. The first was Gratin Dauphinois from the Gourmet Magazine Cookbook. In other words: fancy-pants cheesy potatoes. These were spectacular. It was a very simple scalloped potato dish, the main ingredients being potatoes (obviously), half-and-half, garlic, nutmeg and Gruyere cheese. How can you go wrong!?!?! The only probably was that the recipe served 8 and I didn’t think to cut it in half. It goes without saying that husband and I have no need to be eating cheesy, creamy potatoes every day of the week. It would make a great side dish when entertaining, however. This will definitely be a repeater, especially when counting calories is not a concern. The second recipe was a Chicken and White Bean Chili from the InStyle Magazine Parties Cookbook. It was good, but nothing spectacular. I’m not sure I’d bother making it again, preferring my other go-to chili recipes.
On writing: Better than the week prior. I’m getting better about sitting in the chair until my 1K words are done (not quite up to 5 times a week however but close). The problem is, I think I’m getting too concerned with word count and not quality. On one hand, I keep telling myself that the first draft can be crappy (otherwise I’d probably be frozen on the first sentence still). On the other hand, if it’s just a bunch of crap, what’s the point?
I tried two new recipes this week. The first was Gratin Dauphinois from the Gourmet Magazine Cookbook. In other words: fancy-pants cheesy potatoes. These were spectacular. It was a very simple scalloped potato dish, the main ingredients being potatoes (obviously), half-and-half, garlic, nutmeg and Gruyere cheese. How can you go wrong!?!?! The only probably was that the recipe served 8 and I didn’t think to cut it in half. It goes without saying that husband and I have no need to be eating cheesy, creamy potatoes every day of the week. It would make a great side dish when entertaining, however. This will definitely be a repeater, especially when counting calories is not a concern. The second recipe was a Chicken and White Bean Chili from the InStyle Magazine Parties Cookbook. It was good, but nothing spectacular. I’m not sure I’d bother making it again, preferring my other go-to chili recipes.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Juno
We went to see the movie Juno this week. I highly recommend it. It is well written, wonderfully acted and treats a very sensitive subject – teenage pregnancy and adoption – beautifully without falling into the Hollywood cliché trap. Ellen Page (who plays the title character) has been getting so much well-deserved attention -- there really is nothing better than seeing a young, fresh breakthrough talent. I loved her performance but I was completely captivated by Jennifer Garner’s portrayal of a woman who’s been dealing with infertility for years and has turned to adoption to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother. I won’t give away any plot points but she brought me to tears on more than one occasion. She did such a tremendous job of showing her fighting with her fear that the adoption may fall through and her growing realization that her dreams were finally coming true.
Ever since we formally began the adoption process, I find myself questioning the internal language I use about pending parenthood. We are told that as long as we are willing to wait and as long as we don’t have too many unrealistic expectations, we will become parents. The rational side of my brain understands this. And yet, I can’t get that nasty “if” out of my brain. “If” we are lucky enough to become parents. “If” a birthmother chooses us. Part of me is desperate to shed the “if” and just feel joyful that motherhood is impending. The other part of me feels that I shouldn’t be so cocky – how long did I assume I would be able to get pregnant and look how fate slapped me in the face for that bit of hubris. And face it, adoption just opens us a hornets nest of other “what ifs”. What if we have to wait five more years? What if no one chooses us? What if a birth mother picks us than changes her mind? What if, what if, what if?
It was strange seeing all that portrayed on screen. The few people who I know personally who went through infertility were lucky enough to have medical intervention work for them. I am so incredibly thrilled for them, but sometimes I feel really lonely carrying around all this pain that no one in my life can really understand. Strange as it may sound, for just a little while, Juno made me feel a little less alone. It was a bit like when you are struggling to express something and you read a passage in a novel or memoir that perfectly, eloquently and seemingly effortlessly captures your point of view better than you think you ever could. And you know you aren't crazy for thinking such a thought and that there's someone else in this world that gets you - or atleast a part of you.
Ever since we formally began the adoption process, I find myself questioning the internal language I use about pending parenthood. We are told that as long as we are willing to wait and as long as we don’t have too many unrealistic expectations, we will become parents. The rational side of my brain understands this. And yet, I can’t get that nasty “if” out of my brain. “If” we are lucky enough to become parents. “If” a birthmother chooses us. Part of me is desperate to shed the “if” and just feel joyful that motherhood is impending. The other part of me feels that I shouldn’t be so cocky – how long did I assume I would be able to get pregnant and look how fate slapped me in the face for that bit of hubris. And face it, adoption just opens us a hornets nest of other “what ifs”. What if we have to wait five more years? What if no one chooses us? What if a birth mother picks us than changes her mind? What if, what if, what if?
It was strange seeing all that portrayed on screen. The few people who I know personally who went through infertility were lucky enough to have medical intervention work for them. I am so incredibly thrilled for them, but sometimes I feel really lonely carrying around all this pain that no one in my life can really understand. Strange as it may sound, for just a little while, Juno made me feel a little less alone. It was a bit like when you are struggling to express something and you read a passage in a novel or memoir that perfectly, eloquently and seemingly effortlessly captures your point of view better than you think you ever could. And you know you aren't crazy for thinking such a thought and that there's someone else in this world that gets you - or atleast a part of you.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Checking In
I promised myself I would report in as to how I was keeping up with my resolutions, hoping it will keep me motivated. I have been dreading writing this post because I have to report mediocre results at best. On the adoption front, I have no complaints. Our agency requires a transracial adoption class and individual meeting for anyone adopting outside their race. I don’t think many agencies have such requirements which I think is unfortunate. There are a lot of issues Caucasian couples will face as their children grow up that they might not think about when they are making the decision to adopt a baby. Not having faced racism themselves, they might gloss over the impact it will have on their lives when they become a multiracial family. But I digress. This week, we had our individual meeting completing this requirement. Next week I need to get started on our scrapbooks which will be shown to the birth family. Not being the crafty sort, I’m a bit intimidated by this one.
As for the new recipes, I’ve tried two since my last post. The first was a Brazilian chicken and rice dish from the Bon Appetit cookbook I got for Christmas. The dish was tasty but it used a yellow rice mix for the base of it which means it was loaded with sodium and felt a bit more like glorified processed food than good ol’ home cooking. Since I cook to avoid consuming too much processed food, this may not be a recipe I go to again and again. This morning we tried the Light and Fluffy Pancake recipe from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. This was a bit of a copout in that we only tried it because I forgot to buy pancake mix at the grocery store and we both had a craving for blueberry pancakes this morning. The verdict: The pancakes were definitely light and fluffy which yielded an interesting (and pleasant) texture, but the extra effort involved in making them (separating the eggs and beating the whites until quite frothy) was really not worth the slightly better taste than just mixing pancake mix and water.
And I’ve left the worst for last: the writing. I had some good days and some bad days, but I definitely did not make the goal of 1,000 words 5 out of 7 days. I’m trying not to get down on myself, but rather just pick myself up and force myself into the chair and do better next week. I just finished one book on writing (Anne Lamont’s Bird by Bird) which was full of inspiration. I just started another by Arthur Plotnik that begins “The truth is this: writing is a bumper-to-bumper crawl through hell with an occasional jolt to the next level of anguish.” How’s that for inspiration?
As for the new recipes, I’ve tried two since my last post. The first was a Brazilian chicken and rice dish from the Bon Appetit cookbook I got for Christmas. The dish was tasty but it used a yellow rice mix for the base of it which means it was loaded with sodium and felt a bit more like glorified processed food than good ol’ home cooking. Since I cook to avoid consuming too much processed food, this may not be a recipe I go to again and again. This morning we tried the Light and Fluffy Pancake recipe from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. This was a bit of a copout in that we only tried it because I forgot to buy pancake mix at the grocery store and we both had a craving for blueberry pancakes this morning. The verdict: The pancakes were definitely light and fluffy which yielded an interesting (and pleasant) texture, but the extra effort involved in making them (separating the eggs and beating the whites until quite frothy) was really not worth the slightly better taste than just mixing pancake mix and water.
And I’ve left the worst for last: the writing. I had some good days and some bad days, but I definitely did not make the goal of 1,000 words 5 out of 7 days. I’m trying not to get down on myself, but rather just pick myself up and force myself into the chair and do better next week. I just finished one book on writing (Anne Lamont’s Bird by Bird) which was full of inspiration. I just started another by Arthur Plotnik that begins “The truth is this: writing is a bumper-to-bumper crawl through hell with an occasional jolt to the next level of anguish.” How’s that for inspiration?
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Resolve
Personally I love making New Year’s resolutions. I am as bad as most people about actually keeping them, but just taking the time to sit down and think about what can make my life better is a useful exercise and one that makes my life a bit better, at least in January. I would probably have a much more productive life if I made them once a month rather than once a year. Recently, I was listening to the CDs of a self-help/inspirational guru who said that the only people who make lasting personal changes are those that believe they HAVE to make the change, not when they just think they should – like people who really lose weight and change their eating habits after a heart attack.
This certainly explains why none of my resolutions ever stick – essentially, I lack the resolve to actually make the changes. Typically, my resolutions have been to eat better and exercise more. I knew I should, I knew I could, but did I honestly believe I HAD to? Not really. So where does that leave me for 2008 resolutions? What changes do I honestly believe I HAVE to make?
Six months ago I made a major life decision. I really believed my life was off course. I had hoped – expected even – by that point in my life to have a family and a job that I loved. While I had already done everything I could to fight my infertility (to no avail) and felt I was out of options, I could do something about my professional life lacking passion. I had no idea what professional path I should be on, but believed I would find the right path quicker if I just hopped off the one I was on. So, with husband’s support, I quit.
The past six months have been really interesting. I have allowed myself some space and time to just be. I have quietly asked and meditated on the question “what kind of life do I want?” and allowed my thoughts to stew on the back burner until answers boiled to the surface. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my dreams and my life, but I know I have only barely scratched the surface. In those months, I made two major life decisions. One I’ve already written about and one I haven’t. The first is our decision to pursue adoption. The second is to pursue a dream I buried long ago because I didn’t believe I had the talent to make it come true – to write, or more specifically, to publish a novel.
When I was working and knew I was unhappy, I gave myself so many excuses for not pursuing a better more passionate life – there just wasn’t time, I had to pay the mortgage, there was no energy at the end of the day to devote to anything besides watching tv. Quitting my job has stripped me of all those excuses. It is now just me and my will power. I have the time. I have the energy. Now I can make use of this gift I have given myself or I can waste it. It’s my choice. It’s in my control. And today I feel that I HAVE to make something of this time.
And so, here are three resolutions for 2008 (okay, the third isn’t a “have to” it’s more for fun):
Resolution #1: To do everything in my power to move the adoption process further and to handle all the stresses that come along with it. I’m not worried about this one as most of the work on this has already been done. After two more meetings with our social worker, we will be on a waiting list at which point I will just have to let the universe do its work.
Resolution #2: To write a rough draft of a young adult novel by December 31st, 2008. I’ll blog later on why young adult fiction is my chosen genre. The only way I think I can reach this goal is by writing a bit every day. So I’m tasking myself with the goal of writing 1,000 words a day, 5 days a week (I know if I don’t give myself some days off I’ll crack).
Resolution #3: To try one new recipe a week. I’m a cookbook junkie and got three new ones for Christmas even though I have some books that contain hundreds of recipes and I’ve only tried two or three.
I am going to use this blog to hold myself accountable so look out for a weekly post measuring my progress. And wish me will power.
This certainly explains why none of my resolutions ever stick – essentially, I lack the resolve to actually make the changes. Typically, my resolutions have been to eat better and exercise more. I knew I should, I knew I could, but did I honestly believe I HAD to? Not really. So where does that leave me for 2008 resolutions? What changes do I honestly believe I HAVE to make?
Six months ago I made a major life decision. I really believed my life was off course. I had hoped – expected even – by that point in my life to have a family and a job that I loved. While I had already done everything I could to fight my infertility (to no avail) and felt I was out of options, I could do something about my professional life lacking passion. I had no idea what professional path I should be on, but believed I would find the right path quicker if I just hopped off the one I was on. So, with husband’s support, I quit.
The past six months have been really interesting. I have allowed myself some space and time to just be. I have quietly asked and meditated on the question “what kind of life do I want?” and allowed my thoughts to stew on the back burner until answers boiled to the surface. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my dreams and my life, but I know I have only barely scratched the surface. In those months, I made two major life decisions. One I’ve already written about and one I haven’t. The first is our decision to pursue adoption. The second is to pursue a dream I buried long ago because I didn’t believe I had the talent to make it come true – to write, or more specifically, to publish a novel.
When I was working and knew I was unhappy, I gave myself so many excuses for not pursuing a better more passionate life – there just wasn’t time, I had to pay the mortgage, there was no energy at the end of the day to devote to anything besides watching tv. Quitting my job has stripped me of all those excuses. It is now just me and my will power. I have the time. I have the energy. Now I can make use of this gift I have given myself or I can waste it. It’s my choice. It’s in my control. And today I feel that I HAVE to make something of this time.
And so, here are three resolutions for 2008 (okay, the third isn’t a “have to” it’s more for fun):
Resolution #1: To do everything in my power to move the adoption process further and to handle all the stresses that come along with it. I’m not worried about this one as most of the work on this has already been done. After two more meetings with our social worker, we will be on a waiting list at which point I will just have to let the universe do its work.
Resolution #2: To write a rough draft of a young adult novel by December 31st, 2008. I’ll blog later on why young adult fiction is my chosen genre. The only way I think I can reach this goal is by writing a bit every day. So I’m tasking myself with the goal of writing 1,000 words a day, 5 days a week (I know if I don’t give myself some days off I’ll crack).
Resolution #3: To try one new recipe a week. I’m a cookbook junkie and got three new ones for Christmas even though I have some books that contain hundreds of recipes and I’ve only tried two or three.
I am going to use this blog to hold myself accountable so look out for a weekly post measuring my progress. And wish me will power.
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