On Vacation…From What I’m Not Sure

Ever since I entered the working world after college, I have tried to take the week between Christmas and New Years off. For me, it’s a great time to recharge my batteries from the holidays and get myself mentally prepared to meet the challenges of a new year. Though I’m presently unemployed, my brain and body seem to have gone on vacation by force of habit. I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything productive, hence the lack of posting.

We did have a great Christmas. My nephews were their usual balls of festive energy. And even after Santa left them their presents, they seemed determined to stay on the “nice list” – Christmas day was devoid of the customary fights over who gets to use the new toys first, whose turn it is, etc, etc. I’ll admit to having a few melancholy moments missing my parents, but every year gets easier and it was truly wonderful spending the holiday with my sister and her family.

Another quasi-tradition we got to enjoy was a visit from one of my closest friends and her husband who were passing through the area on their way home from visiting her family. The only thing better than one of your closest friends finding that one person they want to share their life with is having that person be someone who absolutely connects with you and your significant other. Is there really anything more magical than meeting a couple you and your husband both adore? Okay, there are probably a few things, but if you have experienced it, you know what I mean. I’ve been very lucky to have this kind of foursome connection with a few of my close friends and their significant others. Seriously, the rockin’ babes in my life have some kickass taste in men.

Our New Years Eve will likely be a quiet one due to husband coming down with a vicious sinus infection – I’ve never seen him so ill. New Years Day we’ll spend with his family. Then I need to get my brain and body back from vacation and get moving on making 2008 a productive year.

A Bundle of Nervous Energy

While I went to bed cool and calm, I have to admit my nerves got the better of me first thing in the morning. Our social worker was due at 10:00 am and I got up early to make some lemon poppy seed bread. Lame, I know. As if I’m going to prove I am such a domestic goddess she would be inspired to fast track our adoption. An hour before she arrived, I started getting a bit absurd. Should I leave a lit candle in the bathroom so it will smell nice or will she think I’ll leave unattended candles and burn the house down? Why did husband open the chest exposing the TV, we don’t want her to think w would use television to babysit our child. No, husband, you can’t make some sausage for breakfast, the house will reek of it and she’ll think we’re only going to feed the child fatty red meat. Like I said, ridiculous. Husband just took my nerves in stride as he typically does and kept out of my way until she showed up. Its his usual strategy when I get myself all worked up and it works for both of us.

In the history of things I have gotten myself worked up over, this was by far the most wasted use of nervous energy. As the rational part of my brain knew it would be, it was a very basic interview (no grilling us, no trick questions). She toured the house, spending only a few moments in each room – mostly she was checking to see where the fire alarms were and that each room was in fact a room with a window, not some oversized closet. I almost wanted to pull the furniture out of place to show her that I dusted behind it – just to make my hours of cleaning worthwhile. She also spent some time with each of us and one of our references, my lovely and fabulous best friend who probably did a better job of selling us than we did. And that was it. We meet with her one more time and then she’ll write up the actual home study (basically a very long report on who we are, why we want to adopt, our financial and health situation, our household, and our thoughts on parenthood). That visit will be at the agency’s office not our house, so we can go back to living in filth. For now though, my house is so sparkling clean I might serve dinner on the dining room floor!

Twas the Night Before Christmas

“'Twas the night before the home visit, when all through the house,
the mom-to-be was manically cleaning, along with her spouse;
The baseboards, the floors, the rug cleaned with care,
In hopes that no dirt would be spotted there;
Soon they were nestled all snug in their beds,
While thoughts of possible questions danced in their heads;
About their potential for parenthood, what would the Social Worker ask?
What did they have to say, to prove they were up to the task?”

Seriously, though, husband and I have actually been proud of ourselves for not letting the home visit cause us too much stress. Some adoptive couples get really worked up about it. But we keep reminding ourselves (well I keep reminding myself – those who know my husband know he very rarely stresses about anything) that our Social Worker is not going to deny us approval to adopt based on the cleanliness of our house. Nor is she going to do a white glove test (although at this point I dare her too – there’s not a speck of dirt in this house!) Nor can I think of any reason why she would think we would not make excellent adoptive parents. But still, I have found myself spending hours cleaning the house. After all, she is coming to evaluate our house and if I don’t clean the house thoroughly for the home inspection, when would I?

But I guess I have to admit I am a bit nervous. I don’t actually feel that way but I did wake up at 4:30 am and was so wired I watched an hour and a half of infomercials – something I only do when I am stressed out (wake up unexpectedly in the middle of the night that is, not watch infomercials). As far as I understand it, the visit will consist of three components: evaluation of the house to make sure it’s a safe and suitable place to raise a child, a short meeting with one of our references, and a looong interview of husband and I for her to get a thorough understanding of who we are, what kind of parents we will be, and how much we have considered some of the particular issues adoption will raise. We spent so much time considering whether adoption was right for us (and read plenty to boot) that I can’t imagine there will be a question we aren’t prepared for, but I guess we wont know that until tomorrow.

“And so I will remind myself before I turn out the light,
Everything will be fine so have a sleepless night."

**props to Major Henry Livingston Jr. for the original Twas the Night Before Christmas(which according to the internet was previously believed to be by Clement Clarke Moore – poor Mr. Livingston being robbed of the posthumous glory for so long)

Yes Yes Yes we do, We've Got Spirit, How about you!!!

Over the past few miserable years of my life, I turned into one of those people who have a hard time during the holidays – well, Christmas to be exact. I hated feeling this way because Christmas has always been a huge deal to my family – especially my mother who always made that time magical for us when we were kids. When my sister got married, my parents and I were absolutely dreading the fact that she might spend Christmas with her in-laws instead of us. Luckily, she married into a family that has turned Thanksgiving into their huge holiday and so I was able to continue spending Christmas with her and soon her children who made Christmas twice as much fun.

Then I got married and had to grudgingly admit that it would only be fair to spend Christmas with the in-laws every other year. But in an absolute childlike way, I dreaded the idea – not in any way because of my in-laws - I just couldn’t imagine spending Christmas away from my family. It was perhaps the only step into married adult life that I just didn’t want to take. Husband agreed to spend the first Christmas with my family and so I felt I had a year reprieve. And then my brilliant mother stepped in.

As crassly materialistic as this is going to sound, one of our traditions is to exchange a fairly absurd amount of gifts on Christmas Day. They are by no means extravagant, in fact, it is a running joke how many bargain bin presents there are. We just enjoy spending hours opening presents (very slowly, one at a time, pausing to explain some story behind every gift). When husband woke up that first Christmas Day with my family, he was practically speechless. And it did not escape my attention that my mother seemed to have bought twice as much for him than anyone else. She claimed she wanted him to feel like one of the family, but she didn’t fool me. No, she was out and out bribing the man. And it worked. My husband has agreed ever since then to have Christmas with my family (okay, it helps that he loves to host his family for Thanksgiving and his father, an Episcopal priest, works on Christmas Day, and its easier for us travel wise).

Anyway, I have gotten waaaayyy off track. To make a long story short (I know, I know, too late for that!) Christmas has always been a big deal for my family. Since my parents passed away, though, it has felt like most of the joy has been taken out of the holiday. If it weren’t for my three nephews, I can’t imagine how I would have dragged myself out of bed that first Christmas Day without them. In addition that year, and every other since, carried with it the equally painful recognition of having yet another Christmas come and go with no baby of our own. And so, I’ve become one of those people – just trying to get through the holiday season.

But something amazing happened yesterday. Over the course of the day, I talked to my sister about four times. She called me from the mall for gift ideas. I called her to figure out what I could contribute to Christmas dinner. She called me to clarify travel plans. You get the picture. In one of the conversations she mentioned that her oldest son (who may even surpass my mom in his love for Christmas traditions) had to be driven to the craft store to get supplies for gifts he is making for me and husband. My heart melted into a little puddle on the floor – not only has he thought to make us gifts all on his own, but the odds and ends lying around the house aren’t good enough and he needs actual supplies for them!

After I hung up with her for the final time, I started thinking about how excited that Christmas was almost a week away. Then it struck me so strongly that I actually froze in place for a second: my Christmas spirit was back!!! I literally felt like I had years ago. Just like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day.

So for those who celebrate it, have a very merry Christmas. And I would probably be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to thank dear husband for sacrificing spending Christmas with his family all these years so one little piece of me hasn’t had to grow up.

Why Adopt?

While deciding whether or not adoption was right for us, I read numerous books and articles about potential questions and issues we should be expected to face. The most common, of course, is the inevitable question “why was I adopted”? Having not been placed with a child yet, I can’t begin to formulate an answer to why our future child’s birth family will create an adoption plan (yes, I’m already trained in adoption speak!). But I have given some thought on how to answer the “why did you and dad decide adopt?” query.

It is very common to hear someone say that they adopted because they were unable to have children of their own. I get the idea behind the sentiment, but when you really think about it, it kind of misses the point entirely. I mean, it is almost like saying you had a kid because you had unprotected sex – it speaks to the how not the why.

The truth is, I am adopting for the exact same reason husband and I stopped using birth control – I want to have a baby to nurture, love, educate, and raise. I want to watch my child learn about and eventually find their own way in the world. I want to parent. I tried to reach that goal one way and when that way failed, I sought another way. When exploring my options, I thought long and hard about all the challenges and blessings of adoption and eventually decided it was the way I wanted to achieve my dream of having a family. In other words, just because it is my second choice, does not mean it is second best.

It may sound like semantics, but to me it is a critical distinction.

Grief

One of the effects of experiencing significant grief is that I am more acutely aware of how much pain others are going through when they lose a loved one. I cry more at sad movies, books and even songs. I guess I wear my heart closer to my sleeve than I ever used to.

Today, my heart is very heavy. On the same day I learned that a former coworker has an inoperable brain tumor, I found out that the daughter of my parents’ friends died from complications of a brain tumor. She was a bright girl with a brilliant future ahead of her and she lost her life at 25.

I’ve beat my head against the proverbial wall for long enough to know that there are no reasons for such tragedies. Hopefully, through the pain, those left behind can draw some comfort from all the loved ones around them. Today is the memorial service for this bright, young girl. I send a prayer to the universe that her parents and sister and friends and extended family can find strength in each other and in their love for her.

A Cyber Toast

When we decided to adopt, I told husband that I wanted to pay very close attention to the how we went through the process. Recognizing many aspects will be inherently stressful, I want to take care to manage that stress as much as possible and celebrate the milestones along the way. While depression accompanied the stress of infertility, I want joy to counteract the stress of the adoption process.

Today we have reason to celebrate. The home study documents were Fed Exed to our agency at 2 PM!! Next week we have our home study visit where our social worker will interview us, one of our references, and evaluate our home.

Unfortunately, husband is working tonight so I’ll be celebrating by myself. If anyone out there is reading this, please join me in raising a glass to our first major milestone being complete!

Oh Christmas Tree!

I guess I am still getting used to this blogging thing. Yesterday I wrote three long paragraphs waxing poetic about how autumn had lit a particular Japanese maple’s red leaves on fire only to have all but five of them to drop to the ground this past week. I think I was trying a bit too hard to be poignant, so I deleted it. Maybe its best for me to skip over fall and post about winter – Christmas in particular – since husband and I got our Christmas tree last night.

This tree is a beauty – it’s the fullest we have ever had. Our plan was to get it in the afternoon and spend the afternoon decorating it and the rest of the house while blasting Christmas carols and drinking hot cider. Instead, we spent the day at the police station getting our finger prints done (well, not the entire day, but long enough to mess up our plans) for our adoption paperwork. So, in the evening, we bought the tree and put it up. I’ve never been able to have a tree up without jumping into the decorating process, but last night I was on the edge of my seat watching the Pats narrowly advance to 12-0 (I love you, Tom Brady!). This is certainly the first time Monday Night Football (or getting my fingerprints taken for that matter!) has been part of my Christmas tradition but when your team is undefeated you have to make some sacrifices.

So this afternoon while husband was at work I put the lights and ornaments on the tree. I absolutely love unwrapping each one and remembering where I bought it or who gave it to me. Husband and I have a tradition of buying an ornament from any place we vacation or travel to on business - a sailboat from Key West, ceramic flip flops from Puerto Rico, a cable car from San Francisco, a Panda from Hong Kong, a star from Malaysia, and a ceramic snowman and starfish from St. John. Some ornaments are momentos from the big events in our life: pictures from our wedding day, our first Christmas together, and our first home. And we have loads from our childhoods. These are definitely not as attractive, but I love thinking about how many trees they have hung on since husband and I were born. Husbands’s mother had a tradition of buying her children ornaments each Christmas. When we got our first tree, she gave us all of the ones she bought for him and now they hang on our tree.

All this has gotten me to thinking about traditions. Husband and I don’t really have many traditions of our own; I suppose I have been waiting until we had children to build them. Little did we realize how long that might take and we are equally clueless about how much more waiting the adoption process has in store for us. The truth is, I can now accept the fact that I have to continue waiting for a baby – which is huge progress because I certainly could not have said that a year or two ago. What I can’t accept is waiting for any other part of my life to begin as I did with infertility. Traditions built between my husband and I now can be something to cherish amongst ourselves, and if we can adapt them to fit around a baby one day that will just make them even sweeter.

In Transition, an Introduction

I begin this blog in a transitional state. I could write pages and pages about my life over the past five years – in fact, I probably should have started blogging years ago as therapy – but for the sake of keeping things as upbeat as possible, I’ll try and keep it brief. Over the past five years, I’ve battled infertility – ultimately deciding a year ago to end medical treatment after a number of failed IUIs and IVFs. During this already trying time, I lost both of my parents; my father to a two year fight with lung cancer and my mother unexpectedly two weeks prior to my father’s death to a rare autoimmune disease.

Needless to say all this tragedy took a huge toll on me and I struggled with depression for a few years after. I wallowed in the unfairness of it all and for a long time could only see those things that were missing from my life. While blogging then may have been therapeutic, I doubt I would have had much of an audience. If I could have tuned out my own thoughts back then I certainly would have. But fortunately I’m now in a healthier and happier place and I recognize for all the blows I’ve experienced, I have also been extremely blessed in this life. Ultimately those years have changed who I am and how I see the world and my place in it. I want to use this blog to help me sort through this still evolving mindset. Only time will tell if I’ll be able to do it eloquently or interestingly enough to attract an audience.

Most of all, I have come to understand at a very fundamental level that we only have a short time on this earth and its our primary responsibility to make the best life of what we are given. Sure, I realize that I’m not the first to come to this conclusion and in the past I have nodded knowingly when I read it or heard it somewhere. But recognizing it as true when you hear it is very different from understanding it fully. And understanding it fully is likewise extremely different from living your life by that principle.

To prove I’m not just all talk, I did quit my less-than-satisfying job six months ago. Of course quitting a crappy job is one thing, finding a successful and satisfying replacement is something else all together. In addition to professional transition, I’m also in transition to motherhood as husband and I decided a few months ago to build a family through adoption. Not wanting to break any blogging etiquette regarding length of posts, I’ll leave my musings on adoption and my career plans for future posts.

Well, as far as first posts go, this was probably a bit stuffy. And I hope I didn’t come off too high and mighty (dear reader, allow me to share my deep words of wisdom with you). Luckily I don’t yet have an audience to drive away. In the future, I promise to avoid writing my posts as if they are term papers I’m being graded on (and yes, I realize ending a sentence with a preposition would incur the wrath of the dreaded red pen).